Strange VC Awards: 10 Typical Crypto VCs, how many have you encountered?

Original Title: "the 10 types of crypto VCs you'll meet (and how to spot them)"

Author: rosie

Translation by: Deep Tide TechFlow

In this industry, we all have to deal with venture capitalists (VCs) to some extent. Some VCs are a blessing, but most are not. Here’s a "field identification guide" to help you recognize their true nature before it's too late.

Disclaimer: This article is a satire. If you feel offended, you might belong to one of the categories from 1 to 9.

No VCs were harmed in the making of this article.

1. Anti-Airdrop Evangelists

They will talk grandly about "building real value," but as soon as their tokens unlock, they will immediately sell off. What they really mean is: "We don’t support your airdrops, but we will gladly take our own." These people will teach you how to design tokenomics while your project plummets by 80%. The first rule of the VC sell-off club is: You do not talk about the VC sell-off club.

2. Marketing Family Salespeople

They invested $50,000 but now want you to spend $60,000 to hire their cousin's marketing firm to break even. This marketing firm has only three clients: you and two other projects that this VC has invested in. Their marketing strategy? Find a few influencers who bought the same NFT to post paid tweets.

3. Outdated Theorists

Their investment philosophy hasn’t been updated since 2021. They still talk about "Web3 social" and "metaverse infrastructure," but while you’re presenting, they’re secretly Googling "What is TEE technology?" However, as long as your business plan includes the word "AI," they will definitely invest.

4. Founder-Friendly Ghosters

They will spend three weeks deeply researching your project, make you fill out 17 forms, and introduce you to their entire team, but when it comes time to fund, they completely disappear. Six months later, they will congratulate you on Twitter for successfully raising funds from other investors.

5. Traditional Finance Turned Crusaders

They joined the crypto industry in 2022 but will never let you forget they used to work at Goldman Sachs. They may be active on Crypto Twitter (CT) now, but they are still obsessed with showcasing their past experiences on LinkedIn. Their entire value-added service is "professional email templates" and "equity structure best practices." They have never used a hardware wallet and will still ask, "What is gas fee?"

6. FOMO Pioneers

They have completely ignored your project for months until they see another VC mention your field on Twitter. Suddenly, they rush into your DMs asking for an "urgent call." They will offer terrible investment terms with a 24-hour explosive deadline. Once you accept, they will take three weeks to send over the documents.

7. Long-Termism Paper Hands

They watched an interview with Cathie Wood on CNBC, heard her say Bitcoin will reach $1.5 million by 2030, and have since been repeating "We are long-termists" and "We are highly aligned with the founders on a five-year vision." However, once the market drops by 30%, they panic sell and blame the "uncontrollable market environment." Nevertheless, they will insist on retaining their board seat.

8. Short-Sighted Thought Leaders

They have accumulated 50,000 followers by retweeting others' opinions. Their pinned tweet is about "builder culture," but they have never actually built anything themselves. They will propose to "mentor" your project, provided they take 2% of the token share. Their advice usually is: "Have you tried getting anonymous Twitter influencers to promote you?"

9. Early Investment High Demands

They act as if investing in your seed round is a "blessing," but demand to enjoy the privileges of a Series B investor. You need to update them daily on progress, allow them to control the board, and give them direct access to your development team. They will message you on Sunday night at 11 PM asking, "Quick question—when can I buy a Lamborghini?"

10. True Builders Unicorns

They ask the right technical questions, have experienced multiple cycles, and won’t waste your time. They provide not just funding but real value. They understand your vision because they have been on the front lines of the industry themselves.

They are like unicorns—you might think they don’t exist, but once you find one, you will never consider other VCs again.

Final Advice

Do not compromise on choosing investors just for the sake of funding. Finding the right partner is the key difference between project success and transforming into a "DeFi user-oriented AI-driven Web3 social layer" six months later (translator's note: a satire on grand narratives and slogans without grounding).